I sat an exam last Tuesday. For various reasons - not the least being that I'd actually attempted it before, twice - it was quite a stressful experience. In the end though I felt that it had gone quite well, and ever since I've been floating around in a sort of de-mob happy daze. Last Saturday was my first free Saturday in what felt like months, and after going to Confession and a requiem for deceased friends it felt like Christmas morning.I actually haven't masturbated for five days now, which these days seems like quite a while. I can go for much longer, of course, and in theory we can all go indefinitely. In that time of course I have found my conscious thoughts taking a more "sexy" turn - muscular young men with big penises in tight white pants (guys like this beauty, for example) and so on. In fact my imagination's even been taking a semi-pagan turn, in that yesterday I found myself thinking of the Horned God, with big muscles and a big dick, all dark and hairy, full of living energy and hot semen, and so on. So I've now signed up to a couple of gay pagan "tribes" on tribe.net - though at the same time I don't really imagine much will come of it.
So what's going on here? I think subconsciously I'm still intrigued by Damian Thompson's claims during Hallowe'en, about how not all pagans are left-wing rug-munchers and actually a lot of them are right-wing head-bangers who connect it with race and nationality and so on (as well as, presumably, sexuality). The other creature haunting my thoughts though is definitely the unforunate Emperor of Exmoor. I'm pro-hunting, of course, partly because I don't see how you can enjoy ham sandwiches and KFC and not be. But I prefer proper hunting, with hounds. The idea of shooting animals with guns somehow has never really appealed.
On the other hand, I actually had a dream about a girl a couple of nights ago. I wonder if subconsciously my sexuality might be trying to heal itself. Again, it seems hopeless at the moment, but you never know.
I've noticed that sometimes when I feel I'm making real progress spiritually, I seem particularly vulnerable to temptations. Maybe it's that the devil redoubles his efforts.
ReplyDeleteSo your experience in the wake of going to Confession and your hiatus from masturbation is perhaps not surprising. Obviously fantasies aren't as bad as actions. I don't really know anything about tribe.net, so I'm not sure about the significance of signing up for those gay pagan tribes. At first blush, it doesn't sound like a really great idea., but I suppose the good thing is that you know that they are inconsistent with your faith, which would not be the case with gay Catholic tribes (where it would depend on the specifics).
Thanks for the concern, buddy. Over the years I've signed up to all sorts of things, under various pseudonyms. This one was really just out of curiosity. I do genuinely wonder about followers of modern, invented religions such as a paganism. And I am also interested in gay spirituality generally. Gay Catholics, I'm sorry to say, normally wind me up something rotten, simply because they're not really Catholics (except in a very technical, legalistic sense).
ReplyDelete*hugs and prayers*
ReplyDeleteCuriosity is often better left unsatisfied, especially when satisfying it is a potential occassion of sin.
ReplyDelete